Dear Friend,
Hi, I’m Holly. And I have a broken brain.
Like it doesn’t quite function or work as normal as I would like it to on its own.
If you struggle with any kind of mental illness, disorder or chemical imbalance of any kind, you may have a broken brain too. Or you may have a child, spouse or loved one that is dealing with one.
Anyhow, in case you can’t read this whole letter (or find it to be incredibly boring) I want to say something to you right away you may be needing to hear:
Your brain with glitches in it, is not your fault. You didn’t ask for a chemical imbalance. If you prayed and it stayed, you aren’t a bad Christian, even if your fellow church friends implied it. (Try to give them grace, many times when we haven’t struggled with something, we judge or give advice when we have no clue what we’re talking about).
You aren’t crazy. (more on that below).
Mental illness ROYALLY SUCKS and if no one in your life gets it or understands, I want you to know I do. You are NOT alone.
Since the fall of man God explained to us that our bodies and lives would be broken. For some weird reason we accepted that about our bodies, but not our brains.
They get sick. Really sick sometimes. And there are tons of people around you that struggle with sick brains as well, but the world tells them to stay in hiding and be ashamed so they keep it a secret.
I hid for a long time.
Coming out and speaking about it has healed me in ways I cannot even begin to explain and that’s why I’m writing you this letter.
So, if you don’t read anything else, then please print out what I just said and put it on your fridge. Re-read this when needed, because people like you and me we tend to forget and obsess over things and we need to be reminded.
Two years ago I finally accepted I had a mental illness and a few disorders. I was diagnosed with clinical depression, adhd and I just diagnosed myself with misophonia. Certain noises drive me insane and in about 2.2 seconds make me want to put my head through the window.
My husband has sinus problems and clears his nose a lot and I frequently threaten him through gritted teeth if he does that sound again I am putting my head through the nearest wall or window.
He offers to help me. 😉 Isn’t he kind?
I am a born again, bible believing, Jesus loving, tongue speaking, raise the roof, Holy ghost shoutin’ love to praise me some Jesus, kind of girl.
And God, for reasons only He knows, has decided to not heal me of my mental issues. I have cried, begged, pleaded, stomped my feet and made Him a clear promise two years ago I would NOT be His poster child for depression. (don’t you love when we tell God what we are going to do or not do? 😉
When I went to U of M to get my diagnosis the therapist said something that changed me forever. They interviewed me for three grueling hours and did all kinds of computer tests. I just kept wanting to hear what it was that I had.
This is what she said back to me, “Holly, why are you so fixated on a name? Are you here to get well?”
I nodded of course and started crying.
This was her response: “Then that’s all that matters. The name doesn’t matter. A mood disorder is a mood disorder, whether it’s depression, bipolar, etc. The important thing is you are here to get well.”
Then when I told her I was afraid people would think I was crazy, she said, “You aren’t crazy. Crazy is when you are in denial and refuse to get help. That is crazy.”
So friend, you aren’t crazy. That is a stigma and the only way we will erase the stigma is to start talking and share our stories.
If there is anyone reading this and is struggling with an ongoing mental condition and hasn’t reached for help yet can I ask you what my therapist asked me?
Do you want to get well?
Then reach for help and get well, friend.
Do you know who are the strongest people I know and respect the most? Not the people without weaknesses. It’s the people who are brave enough to admit their weaknesses and reach for help.
His strength is made perfect in our weakness. So hear me: There is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed of. What’s embarrassing is when we let our rotten pride keep us from wholeness. Now that’s just silly.
Be a reacher friend. Reach for help and then extend your hand to someone else when they need it. That’s the only way any of us ever find true healing.
Love and Blessings,
Holly
This blog spoke to me because it took me many years to get help and when I did, I resisted my anxiety disorder diagnosis with everything that was in me. I thought it made me different, faulty, jacked up, and I knew if people knew it, they would reject me and I was scared of what my children would think of me. Thankfully I did get the help I needed and I’m getting better every day at managing my anxiety, but the brain stuff is not an easy road, just like any illness isn’t. We need others like you to speak up and share their stories so we don’t feel alone. When I finally did get therapy in my early 40s, my therapist said, “Wow, what you’ve been through! Why didn’t you get help before?” But back then, there was so much less knowledge about mental illness and disorders and the stigma was so much worse back then and frankly, you don’t know how messed up something is if that’s all you’ve ever known, you just cope as best you can. I’m glad you’re sharing because it helps me in my struggle to know that there are others out there struggling too, and we can support and lean on one another and show the world that having a disorder or a mental illness doesn’t mean you’re less than anyone else. Maybe our brains are not even really broken, but just uniquely ours.
Hey sis, thanks for sharing your story on here. We can all erase the stigma together! And I loved what you said at the end, maybe our brains are not even really broken, but uniquely ours. SO true. I’ve realized there are great strengths that also come from having depression. A creative mind, insight, a deeper compassion I didn’t have before. Love you and thanks again for sharing. xoxo
Great writing Holly. Exactly how I feel why me God? I needed to read this today perfect timing sister. God knew it,love your writing.
Amy- I love you sweet sister and you are one amazing woman! So glad this encouraged you today. Love you so much! xoxo
I’ve suffered from an anxiety disorder and OCD for quite some time. I think one of the biggest things is understanding you’re not alone. The people closest to you may not understand your feelings and what you’re going through but its important to know there are other people out there in the world who can relate to exactly what you’re feeling.
Amen Miss Toni. SO TRUE. It helps knowing we aren’t alone! Thank you for sharing, I know it’s not always easy to talk about, anxiety sucks! I’ve struggled with that one a time or two myself. Blessings to you sweetie. xoxo