When You Have An Argument (And You Are NOT in the Wrong)

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I leaned in telling this to the teens one night during bible study:

“Relationships will be our hardest work and our greatest work.”

And of course those words echoed in my ears like a resounding gong and came to test me when just a few days later, a friend and I got into a disagreement.

It was one of those arguments when you know you’re NOT wrong and you know you are NOT going to be the one apologizing. (I’m sure you’ve never had arguments like this).

As the days wore on of us not speaking, I started to wonder if there were things I was not seeing in our disagreement.

Then I received a text from my friend explaining to me why she was hurt: “I just didn’t feel you were listening, you felt you were right no matter what I said.”

It stung as I read her words because my mind transported back to past arguments with other family or friends and those words sounded very familiar. (Listening well in an argument has been a reoccurring problem for me.)

And here’s what I’ve found, usually if there is a pattern of things we are hearing from people who know and love us, it’s because there is some truth there.

Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. Proverbs 27:6 (NIV)

I laid in bed after receiving the text and prayed:

“Lord, what am I not seeing?” 

I needed the Lord to help me see anything I may have been blind to out of my pride.

Then I reread a scripture I’ve seen a thousand times, realizing, this could be applied to our relationships:

“Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8 (NIV)

I don’t know about you, but going to this door and asking God to shed light on relational issues is scary.

And let’s just be honest, this is about when we are tempted to run for the hills because looking within and doing the hard work that’s necessary to grow, is not only humbling, but painfully hard.

Sometimes the Lord will show us a part of ourselves we have been blind to and unwilling to see. Other times He will lead us through doors for counsel– ( a therapist, pastor, or a wise friend.)

And on other occasions when there are no clear-cut answers to complex issues, He may ask us to wait and pray.

When I told my friend I was sorry for my careless words and for not listening, she responded humbly, apologizing as well. (Now, I realize this is not how every argument will end and each situation is unique, this is real life.)

Our greatest relationships are not going to be the ones without problems.

Our greatest relationships will come from us standing at the door of God’s heart and seeking wisdom. Seeking humility and to understand, rather than having to be right and be understood.

And yes it takes work. Grueling work at times. But it will be the most brilliant, beautiful and rewarding work we will ever do.

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