If I could go back and sit down with myself sixteen years ago and speak some truth into that young, naïve bride to be, this is what I would tell her:
Hollywood lied.
This person is not going to complete you, even if they had you from hello.
Our society teaches us how to go to school, get a career, plan for retirement, and how to get married, but they never taught us how to have a good marriage or stay married.
So all that time, money and crazy energy you are putting into planning that perfect day, put that and then some, into the planning of the kind of spouse you want to be.
There are going to be times when you are THAT couple who fights all the time, goes to bed fighting, and one of you may cry yourself to sleep with your head face down in the pillow asking yourself for the ten thousandth time, “Did I marry the wrong person?”
You are not just marrying that hot, funny, amazing personality, you are marrying their insecurities, mommy and daddy issues, flaws and bad breath.
This person has the propensity to bring unspeakable joy to your life (and they will), and deep pain (and they will).
There are going to be times when you want to walk out. You may even pack your bag or call each other names that are NOT found in the bible.
That’s okay just know you are not alone and there are many spouses who had to go unpack a bag a thousand times or two.
The whole marriage is 50/50 thing and marriage is give and take, that is a joke.
There are going to be seasons in your lives where one of you may be spiritually, emotionally, or physically not able to cope with life and your spouse may have nothing left to give. When this happens, thank God, because you are now in a position and posture to learn the real meaning of marriage– servanthood.
So get up, grab a towel and basin and wash your spouse’s feet when they least deserve it. Because when you do that, this is when you are going to see a miracle not only in your marriage, but your heart.
Marriage was not designed just to bring us happiness, it will also make us holy if we will let it.
You will get much more accomplished on your knees in prayer, then in your spouse’s face demanding your own way. And just for the record, God is not always looking for who needs to change, but who is willing.
Strong marriages do not just happen. They are fought over, cried over, prayed over, and turned over– to the ONLY ONE that can teach us how to become ONE.
I know you were dreaming of a fairy tale, but the reality is, you and your spouse are going to war. You have an enemy that despises marriage and he will stop at nothing to try to convince you both to betray and break each other.
So, while you are picking out that perfect dress, grab some combat boots and a sword and be ready to fight. (Ephesians 6).
And if you do happen to betray or deeply wound one another please, please, please remember this: As ugly as this looks, as BIG as this feels, your God is BIGGER. Your God is ABLE.
Your God is able to do more than you can think, ask, or imagine in your marriage. (Ephesians 3:20)
So invite Him in. Keep Him at the center.
Never give up and fight with everything you have.
Because you serve a God who specializes in breathing dead things back to life, making all things new, and restoring beauty from ashes.
(image source: canstockphoto.com)
Very powerful, you hit it head on. I pray this touches some couples heart that is seeking answers and they turn to God for guidance.
Thanks mom! Love you! xo
Very powerful, Holly, and true. Wonderfully written and well thought-out! I think sadly many couples feel that the enemy is the one they married, rather than THE Enemy who hates both God and marriage. If we wield that sword in the same direction, together, we are much more powerful than if we wield it at each other. And yes, we MUST fight for our marriages Funny about those combat boots, because they triggered a memory for me. I just recalled a photo of me, as a new bride, happily exhausted after all the day’s beauty of worship and the joyful activities–and a wonderful wedding reception with my new husband, family, and friends. The photographer caught me sitting on a bench in the hotel lobby after the reception. I had hiked up my wedding gown a bit to reveal my sturdy saddle-oxford shoes (which I’d donned after the heels were finally killing me too much). I’d not thought about it then, but when I read your wonderful post, I realized those shoes were a metaphor for the long haul ahead. Marriage is more than a lovely dance on the dancefloor of life, but a hike through the woods, the swamps, and up steep, sometimes perilous mountains. But oh the view, huh, once you get there? It can be so beautiful from that height, now some forty-one years later as I look back. We hit a real boulder in the road about year five, but we were in it to stay. I’m so glad that we did. I really LOVE this post, and you share such courage and wonderful biblical counsel. I would just vary on one point: I do think marriage is meant by God to make us holy. There is no doubt. But I think it is also meant to make us happy. A good marriage is a picture of our relationship with Christ, who, by His sacrifice makes us holy and who by His love makes us happy. We need both. And I surely want both in my marriage. I want both to hike and to dance!Thank you again, Holly, for friending me on FB. You are a wonderful author and deep thinker, and I am blessed and my marriage is encouraged by this wonderful post!
Blessings,
Lynn
Thanks for coming by Lynn! Loved your story. How true and I can tell by your words you have quite a writing talent yourself and an awesome marriage that has been worked at. 🙂 And btw I wrote this post two years ago and the one line about not bringing you happiness was the only one I thought, “I need to change that because it brings both!” So, after your comment, I changed it a bit! 🙂 thanks for the helpful critique and again from stopping by! Blessings my friend.
Oh you are so sweet. Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad you understood completely that I was not criticizing your post, but just adding further insight about what I want in marriage and have experienced. I truly love your change, and feel blessed that you totally understood my intent. One thing I had meant to say that I didn’t, is that during that five-year boulder of a crisis, beyond our commitment, it was really my husband and his lavish forgiveness that got us through. Without that, I’m not sure even the commitment would have lasted. I am eternally grateful to Michael. I’ll msg you a link to something I wrote about him and the dancefloor! 🙂
Blessings,
Lynn
Looking forward to reading your piece Lynn! 🙂
Amen sister! I should’ve read this before I married your brother. The devil is always attacking there trying to take away your happiness. Lingering just waiting to pounce. You must stay strong in the word. Be obedient and Jesus will have your back. I’m not saying this first year of marriage has been easy but if we didn’t have him. Lord the devil would have a hay day.
Word sister! We could not do it without the Lord that is for sure! xo
I love this Holly! So much wisdom!
Mckennna! So good to hear from you! Thank you sweetie for coming by and leaving a comment. Love you! xo
Holly,
This is AMAZING! Thank you for sharing and writing it. I echo this loud and clear! I will soon celebrate 16 years with my Thomas. There have been many ups and downs and happy and sad times. We have had to “work” at our marriage more times than I’d like to admit. We are complete opposites. He is a pasta loving red meat eater and I prefer chicken and rice 🙂 But it works. There are so many things he does that I could never ever do and i have learned to love that! I was thinking just lastnight about how awful a job hollywood does in portraying a true marriage. Thank goodness we have the Bible to direct our steps. Anyway, Thanks for reminding us that Marriage is a blessing that we have to nurture daily
Congratulations Lisa for 16 years of marriage! Thanks so much for coming by and sharing your heart. Blessings to you and Thomas. 🙂
Loved your blog, even though I am not married yet, looking how some marriages in today’s days don’t last forever it’s scary for me to think about getting married some times but having my parents as examplesfor me being married for 35 years it is worth fighting for a happy, blessed marriage sadly too many people do not fight for their marriage. Thank you for sharing with us,
Christina, What an amazing accomplishment for your parents! Thank you for reading and coming by! Blessings to you.
Seriously. If I can teach this to my kids, I will have done my job!! Love how you worded everything. Because Hollywood lies. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks Carrie. Glad you came by. 🙂