You set your cap and gown on the table like it was a frivolous item that carried no weight.
You wandered off into the kitchen mumbling about needing money for something and I sat staring a hole through the blue and yellow tassel marked with the numbers ’16.
I get it.
Your cap and gown feels like your ticket to freedom, a new beginning, and it is.
But for this mama, it’s a goodbye of sorts and an accumulation of thousands of moments which have led up to this day.
And it’s also this mama knowing she got some things right and a lot of things wrong. (thank God He heals and fills in the gaps left behind from imperfect parenting.)
I remember your first day of kindergarten, packing your Spiderman backpack, taking you to school and your little brother’s crocodile tears because he didn’t want his Bubby to go. As I stood in the doorway of your classroom waving goodbye, I suddenly became aware this was the first time I could not stay and watch over you.
That was my first lesson in letting go.
Today I ran into another mom whose son went to preschool with you. We embraced and as our eyes both welled with tears we asked one another:
“How did eighteen years fly by so fast?”
Matchbox cars, play dates, school parties, sleepovers, going to the park and you asking me to push you higher and higher on the swing. I wish I would have snuggled and inhaled your freshly washed hair a little longer. And read your favorite book, “Are You My Mother?” about at least a hundred more times.
I started to feel quite empty this year at the realization you didn’t need me anymore. Until, I was startled from my sleep the other night, by you sitting on the edge of my bed whispering my name asking me to wake up.
For a moment it seemed you were that little boy again with your tummy hurting, but as I sat up, instead, I saw a young man with a heart ache.
I wish I could tell you that will be the last time you go to bed with your heart broken.
But, here’s what you need to know: a heart that aches is also a heart which loves deeply. You cannot have one without the other. We have two choices when our hearts bleed: react and run out of fear, or reach out in love and ask for help.
That was a brave move son, reaching out and asking for help.
A man who seeks out advice, is a wise man indeed. The world will teach you to run and hide from your pain, cover it with fake laughter, and numb it with a substance. Your father will tell you, real men stare their pain in the face and lean in. They let their pain be their teacher, not their enemy.
Three of the most important and bravest words ever said? I. need. help.
Your father has shared his history with you, the alcohol, drugs and hiding. He will tell you the smartest thing he ever did was to show up for his life and ask for help. Some of the best and hardest work we will ever do is to be present in our pain, bent in humility, asking our Father to give us the courage to be fully awake for our lives.
Desperation is a gift son, not something to be embarrassed of. And like the prodigal son, it will always lead you home to your Father. Whenever you get lost, (and you will), run as fast as you can back to Him, He will prove to be your safety and your security.
In two short months you will walk across a stage and receive a diploma.
This will be the first of many certificates and honors you will receive, you will wear many hats in your lifetime. And in the midst of you building a life, the world will tell you to reach for the stars, build a fancy house on a hill, and accumulate things to be full.
Hear me son:
Money comes and goes and houses get old. The only recognition that will fill you, heal you and mark you secure, is being a child of God.
All else is sinking sand.
Know how deeply you are loved. Know that your father and I could not be any more proud of you. Know that those dimples of yours still and will always make your mama melt. 😉
Wear that cap and gown proud son, you’ve earned it.
Suit up and show up.
There’s a big world out there waiting for you.
.
This one left me in tears! He grew from such a sweet baby into an intelligent, loving, handsome young man. I miss that little boy, but I also love seeing the man grow and change every time I see him. He’s a rarity in today’s world. I hope he follows your advice, and his own mind and heart.