I really love flowers.

And my husband, whose love language is not “gifts”, rarely ever bought them for me. So I would nag. I would complain. And I would passive aggressively share when my friends received them from their hubbys.

My plan failed, I wasn’t getting any flowers and my resentments grew towards my husband. It wasn’t just the flowers; it seemed anything I asked of him, nothing would change.

I just felt he was being selfish and uncaring. These issues seemed to compound as the years went by. To me it just seemed simple. A. If you are doing something selfish or that needs to change and bothers me why can’t you B. Just change it?

Isn’t that how we women operate? If something needs fixin’ we try to fix it. (including our husbands).

Then one day as I’m reading God’s most precious holy word, I come across these two scriptures: Proverbs 21:9   Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. (NIV)

Proverbs 27:15-16 A nagging spouse is like the drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet; you can’t turn it off and you can’t get away from it. (MSG)

These scriptures branded me like a searing iron. And every time I nagged my husband all I could hear was DRIP………DRIP……….DRIP………

And all he did was pull away, become emotionally disconnected and I wasn’t seeing any improvement in the things I nagged him about.

So that’s when the Big Man and I had to talk this thing out.

“Okay so I’m a nag God. BUT, these things I nag him about are real things I need from him or issues I need him to work on for our marriage or these are things that are good for him to change! And what am I suppose to be a doormat?!?”

I was still hashing this thing out when I was driving to Wal-mart one day and Zig Ziglar came on the radio and just happened to be talking about his marriage. And how his wife never nagged him, but encouraged him into the man he is today.

I thought to myself well isn’t she just a lovely, submissive June Cleaver.

Over time the Lord started showing me the root of my nagging: Control and fear. Yes my reasons for nagging at times were valid, but they were also based on the fact I felt I had to control the situation and keep nagging because I was afraid if I didn’t, he would never change.

There are hundreds of books and articles out there (secular and Christian) which will tell you the one thing a man needs from his wife above all is respect. Now this is a hard one for us women when we feel he hasn’t earned respect.

In Mark Gungor’s article, A Husband’s Greatest Need: Respect, he says, “most women are willing to show respect but they want their men to be worthy of it. But that is not how it works, respect is too great of a need for a man to have it come and go based on performance.”

He goes on to say that if we as women will be willing to take the risk and respect our husbands when they are not perfect, they will open their hearts and become pliable for change.

Girlfriends, it’s so hard when we become nags and build resentments to try to change this part of ourselves. Because it’s taking that control we clutch onto so tightly and releasing our husbands to God and entrusting our marriages to Him.

I finally realized one day in an argument and after my husband had said it one thousand times, “Quit treating me like your child!” That I was doing exactly that. I decided that day; my husband doesn’t need another mother, but a lover.

 God was also showing me I would see much more growth in my marriage on my knees and with a humble heart than with a sharp tongue.

When we nag our husbands it makes them feel inadequate, insecure, and emasculated. (which to them feels like we are hitting them between the pockets over and over).

Now I am not saying we can’t sharpen our husbands when they are wrong, or talk to them when something is bothering us, but there is a difference between talking to our husbands and talking down to them. And a difference between sharpening and nagging. All we have to do is look at the state of our hearts and if we begin to hear drip….drip….drip… that may be a clue.

So back to the advice Zig Ziglar and Mark Gungor gave?

It works.

When I started encouraging my husband, building him up, and pointing out the things I loved about him, (and asking God to help me see him through His eyes and not my own), he started opening his heart to me, began meeting my needs more and I saw his chest puff out again.

Our husband’s desire is to be our greatest hero, not our greatest disappointment.

So what did I do about the flower thing? I shut up about it, laid that expectation down, and decided to start buying my own flowers. But guess who pops in the door with a bouquet every now and then just because?

Around the time I was learning about all this, I listened to Joyce Meyer talk about her struggle in this area as well. She said she would literally have to remove herself from the room and go into the bathroom and shove a hand towel in her mouth to keep her from nagging.

I’ve visited the bathroom many times to say the least.

So for those of us struggling in this area in our marriages, may we be willing to get on our knees, give our husbands back to God, our desire for control, leave the room if we have to, and next time we are at Target buy some really, nice hand towels. 😉

(If this blessed or encouraged you today, leave a comment below would love to hear from you.)

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