I’ve been in my robe and pajama’s for three weeks.

I’ve been trying to tell myself to feel guilty about it, but so far it hasn’t happened.

For those of you following our family’s story– our dad is ill, and our mother almost went to see Jesus a few days before Christmas when an ulcer inconveniently caused her to almost bleed to death.

And in between all that, we had Christmas shopping, wrapping, baking, family in from out-of-town, and two teenagers that want to live on social media and video games 24/7 and me telling my husband for the 100th time, “Please for the love of God just blow it all up!”

So, since my life has been a whirlwind these last few weeks, Jesus has been reminding me of healthy behaviors that don’t always come easy for me, but I’m learning.

Things like self-care, self-compassion and rest.

When you grow up in a chaotic, dysfunctional home, and learn to be a hyper-vigilant, master fixer who specializes in control, when crisis comes you want to regress back into your old patterns.

I want to fix my dad’s cancer, make my boys be good, decent Christian men, and get my act together already.

Somehow as a little girl I subconsciously decided that people who clench their fists and learn how to manipulate things– have less pain.

Until, you realize as my wise Aunt Heather told me the other day, defense mechanisms work well until they don’t work anymore.

So, when I go into fix it mode– I ask God what He wants me to do and He keeps telling me to go take a nap.

Or to take a long, hot shower and use the bath and body smelly good stuff your sister gave you for Christmas.

So, when I’ve not been with my mom or dad, I’m been trying to listen to my needs.

I’ve been napping, taking hot showers, reading books, cooking my favorite dinners and snuggling with my boys (when they will let me for two seconds).

And every time I ask God, “Do you want to talk to me about my poor behavior?”

(And I know this has to be Him talking to my heart because I tend to berate myself mercilessly)

He says, “You’ve been brave, quit being hard on yourself, tell me what you’ve done right.”

What?!?

I’ve been reading about King David and as he was being chased by Saul for years (who was trying to murder him) how he hid out in caves and wrote psalms in the middle of all that mayhem.

What I really was digging for was how did he trust God in the middle of hard and crazy?

Because isn’t that a question we all ask ourselves sometimes? How do I trust you God when life seems not black or white, relentless, and not safe?

How do we unclench our fists?

The Lord led me to Psalm 23 (written by nonetheless King David)

The Lord is my shepherd;

I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures; (the Message says, lush meadows)

He leads me beside the still waters.

He restores my soul. (you let me catch my breath)

Sometimes friends, when life is cruel and wearisome, all we need to do is nothing but rest in Him.

We need to go lie down in our bed warmers or (lush meadows) and let Jesus love on us.

(and not feel guilty about it. Self-care is a hard concept to grasp if you’ve never been taught, but, you are worth it friend. We aren’t good to anyone else if we are depleted).

In our crazy, driven world that teaches us to be someone, you always have to be doing something, The Good Shepherd says, “Come and sit with me awhile and rest.”

And something miraculous happens when we do that.

Our clenched fists slowly begin to release and without realizing it, our hearts and palms begin to open.

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