I really liked the movie The Fault in Our Stars, especially, for this one reason:

They didn’t paint a pretty picture of cancer or dying. They showed you the real, ugly truth.

Dying is not peaceful, it is hell. On the person dying and on the family.

At this point, with my dad’s cancer, I wish there was a rule book. I am a rule follower that’s I how I do life. I need to know what to say, what not to say.

I got nothing.

The doctors don’t warn you of the holy mess you are getting ready to enter into– the anger, the erratic emotions all over the place, and depending on the coping mechanisms you learned as a child, there is no telling what way you are going to deal with it all.

Some people run. Some don’t want to talk about it. Some want to talk about it constantly. And sometimes you do all of that in one day.

And let’s not forget the judgement you may receive from others on how you are dealing with it all according to their standards, especially from those that have not lost anyone close to them.

Why am I writing all of this?

Because I too have been that person that judged someone for how they handled their dying loved one when I didn’t have a clue.

God our stupidity and lack of compassion sometimes is as rotten as the cancer.

Being that I am control freak and a professional fixer God has shown me in all of this I can’t fix squat. There is nothing in this life we have in our control.

I cannot even control my reactions half the time. And I’m wondering where in the heck is the good bible study girl now?

Some days I get it right. And a million other days I don’t.

And my Heavenly Father just keeps putting me to bed and making me rest. I’m the pre-school girl being put to bed at nap time kicking and screaming.

I just want my dad back, my old life back and I really just want to go on another cruise with him. And I really need to call him and ask him how to deal with his cancer right now because he’s the one I always go to for wisdom.

So, here I am back at square one begging God for answers and booklets on how to cope.

I keep trying to be strong and not cry in front of my dad.

God is telling me it’s ok to cry with my father. He doesn’t need you to be strong anymore, weep with him.

Where in the world did I get the idea that I should not weep with him? Did Jesus not weep?

I want to have no regret. I want him to know that losing him fricking sucks because he has been the most amazing dad in the world. He has been me and my brother and sisters lifeline for 22 years.

He’s the guy we call when everything is falling apart and he always has answers. He always has a quote or a bible verse or a funny line or something to say.

His mind is gone a lot with all the pain medicine he is on and we are not able to go with him to that place of intimacy like usual and God it sucks.

The doctors don’t tell you that their body may be here and present, but their mind won’t be a lot of the time.

What am I learning in all of this?

Compassion. For myself, for others and the perfectionist in me wants to beat myself up for all the times I haven’t given that to others.

I tell myself it’s ok, say your sorry, make your amends and get on with it.

Friends–don’t wait until your loved is dying to learn more compassion. Don’t wait until life is falling apart to let your walls down and show people in your life you love them.

It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to be vulnerable. Give your loved ones your vulnerability, it’s one of the most beautiful gifts you can give.

I’ve learned our walls, anger, distance, isolation, closed fists– they do not protect us. They just keep us from love and healing.

Love your People. 

Even the one’s that have hurt you.

Even the one’s that did not stand up for you, that talked about you out of their own insecurity, that have abandoned you out of their own fear.

Love them. Forgive them and yourself.

Our tears, compassion, vulnerability, our saying, “I’m afraid” are strengths, not weaknesses, and they are bridge builders in our relationships.

Dont’ let anyone ever tell you any different.

We may not be able to fix anything in this life, but we can learn to love better. May we not wait another day to learn that.

And now these three remain, Faith, Hope and Love. But the greatest of these is Love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

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