I told Jesus when I was diagnosed with depression that I would never share my illness with anyone.
Nope, nada, it was not gonna happen.
That whole, “God can use it for good”, you can sign someone else up for that.
As I laid in bed and cried my eyes out for weeks and grieved from not having a brain that would cooperate, I felt God whisper to me:
“Holly, your pride is making you sicker than your illness.”
Whew..I swallowed that one whole and it ate me up inside for days.
And that’s when I decided it was time to do some soul digging into why I wanted to hide my illness.
Here were a few reasons:
- I hated the stigma attached with mental illness. (But then it dawned on me, hello, how will the stigma end if you don’t speak up?)
- I didn’t want to be known just for the “the lady with depression.”
- Biggest reason? Then it would be me admitting I’m not some “Super Christian” after all. Darn.
What I discovered is playing church is so much easier than being the church.
And one of the biggest clues that I’ve become an actor in a play is when I go from being a patient of Christ’s to a performer.
Now when I say a patient, I don’t mean physically, I’m talking spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.
Because let’s face it our physical ailments are so much easier to talk and pray about than our sin. We aren’t as embarrassed to ask for prayer if are struggling with a health issue.
I’ve often wondered how less alone we would feel if our prayer requests sounded more like this:
“Mary Sue needs prayer for wanting to throttle her children multiple times this week.”
“Fred is asking for help with his porn problem.”
“Our deacon is asking for prayer for his selfishness that he, his wife, and children had to endure through this week.”
Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” (Mark 2:17)
There were performers (religious leaders) in Jesus’ day and they were called Pharisees.
He called them hypocrites, snakes, and whitewashed tombs. He told them you care more about the outside, (performance) than the inside (becoming well).
The problem with the Pharisees was in their pride from being wrapped so tight in their holier than thou robes they couldn’t even see they were sick.
They found their identity in their religion and how “good” they appeared to be to others.
(Anyone else feeling their toes stepped on?)
What I am learning is I am a Pharisee every time I care more about how I appear to others than the state and health of my soul.
When I want to be known as “The good put together Holly” more than a broken sinner in desperate need of grace.
I mean, really, what is it that makes us want to be admired more than being known for who we truly are and loved?
After I finally got over my ego and shared my story, my depression wasn’t healed but something else deep inside of me was.
When others came to me and shared their stories I was given the most sacred and beautiful gift. The honor to sit with them and enter into their pain and offer the same comfort God had given to me.
And I will tell you, the more stories I hear, the more I realize we aren’t so different after all.
None of us have it together. And none us have picture perfect lives, we’ve just gotten better at shining our trophy’s and filtering our pics.
Jesus was never going to force me to share my story.
He was challenging me though to be what Henri Nouwen calls, a Wounded Healer.
He was asking me to refuse to hide my pain and wounds when they could be a healing balm for someone else.
Brennan Manning writes in Abba’s Child:
“Christians who remain in hiding continue to live the lie. We deny the reality of our sin. In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deny the community of our healing gift. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others.”
The truth is you and I can go on trying to impress each other or we can unbind our bandages, confess our sin, and love each other.
The world doesn’t need anymore flawless performers who hide their shame and secrets and want higher pedestals to stand on.
They do however need to hear stories of sick people getting well and where they got the prescription.
And most importantly– the name of the Great Physician who wrote it.
